Wedding Examiner

Once a lady with a huge rock on her finger was signing as a witness for a county civil ceremony I performed and asked how much the wedding cost. In Los Angeles County, a marriage license is $70 and the ceremony is $25, so for $95 you’re legally married and out the door. The lady sighed and confided, “Gee, I wish I’d known about you for my wedding. It’s been two years and we’re still paying it off.”

Thus we conveniently arrive at the second of the Five Ways To Screw Up Your Wedding:

Go Heavily Into Debt.

Nowadays couples frequently pay for their own weddings without the traditional boost from the folks, since they’re marrying a little older and sometimes the folks just don’t have it to spare. Supposedly the cost of the "average American wedding" keeps spiraling up and up, and this year (according to the Wedding Report Inc.) the average is currently just below $29,000.

But I’d be a bit skeptical of this statistic. What is meant by “average?” Is it a mean, a median, a true average? Just one $4 million celebrity wedding can lift hundreds of $25 civil county weddings into “average” territory, depending how you chew up and spit out the numbers.

And who was sampled to arrive at this “average”? The Wedding Report methodology page says it electronically surveys about 3700 participants--which would eliminate anyone who isn’t wired into a computer. That’s 3700 people surveyed out of over two million weddings in the U.S. last year--their estimate, based on a proprietary blend of data from state and county sources--so that’s a pretty small slice of the overall wedding cake. Maybe not so average, huh?

So perhaps $29K doesn’t accurately portray a true average of all American weddings, but rather just the average for the weddings of those on the right side of the Digital Divide who are spendy about their weddings. It seems we don’t have a number comparing Spendies to the other one million nine hundred and ninety-six thousand-odd couples who hitched up, so I don’t think we really know how economically “average” the Spendies are. My guess is, if they have computers and can drop almost thirty grand for one day’s show (or get enough consumer credit to do so) they’re doing a whole lot better than many a truly average American, especially in our days of foreclosure crisis and record lows in saving.

That won’t stop the Marital Industrial Complex from touting the number, however. Why would they do that, if it’s not a true measure of the average cost of American weddings? Because pushing this figure onto the public serves The Complex in two ways: first, it is a means to persuade prospective advertisers that they should come into the bridal market with a big splash, as the wedding water’s fine.

And the second objective? To make the NotSpendies and the Spendies-But-Not-With-$30G-To-Blow feel bad that they aren’t keeping up with all those other newly-minted Mrs. Joneses.


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It’s critical you understand Reason Two before you start planning your wedding, because it’s part of a marketing strategy called “aspirational marketing” and it is not your friend. There are many fine books you can consult on this, but to cook it down: aspirational marketing is about persuading you to murder your budget by convincing you that you DESERVE better than you can afford. In wedding terms, this means they don’t care if you’re working class, sick, struggling, heavily in the red, and unable to stay financially afloat in your living situation; the Marital Industrial Complex will tell you that you DESERVE to have all the trappings of royalty on your wedding day--or you should spend like your bride is a princess, in the case of diamond ads targeted at men--even if it ruins your life. They’re happy to make you want more than you need, they’ll direct you to where to buy it right now, and will even offer you credit (wedding loans!) to "help you out."

Don’t listen! It’s hard, because The Marital Industrial Complex is everywhere--magazines at the checkout stand, sponsored ad segments posing as reality television shows, postcards, websites, books, you name it. Their influence is huge and hard to avoid, and they make everything SO PRETTY!

Now before those of you who have a stash of wedding money get your consumer dander up, I’m not saying every wedding has to be modest. In fact, if you have scads of disposable income, by all means throw your thirty grand (and more!) into the economy and make yourselves and lots of wedding vendors very happy. I love working at lavish affairs and I enjoy their design sense and trendiness just as much as the next officiant. But I’m certainly not going to encourage people who are already in trouble to make a greater misery of their money situation so they can live up to a questionable “average.” If you can pay for your shindig without running up your credit cards or borrowing from friends or taking out an unsecured wedding loan on which you'll be making payments for years--maybe even longer than the marriage itself will last , and that’s a sad thought eh?--then by all means: SPEND. And enjoy your bounty with a clean conscience.

However, for those of you who are on the fence about joining the Spendies, imagine what you would do if someone just plopped thirty grand in cash onto your lap TODAY and you didn't have a wedding to plan. Would you:

Pay off your credit cards? (aaah, what a good feeling that would be!)

Put a down payment on a home, or put it into the mortgage?

Put it into an education fund?

Maybe you could use a new car? Do you have health insurance? Do you need a chunk of savings to cover you in case you become ill or unemployed or want to travel or invest or ????

Or would you feel an overwhelming urge to blow it all--thirty thousand dollars, almost enough to buy a brand new 2008 mercedes c-class sedan--on a dress, dinner, and cake?

Think that over carefully before you decide to Uphold The Average.


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It’s held as a cultural fact that money woes are one of the chief causes of divorce. Whether that’s true or not, debt’s a huge cause of anxiety for many people, so do you really want to make it worse by going in almost thirty grand deeper?

One of my favorite money columnists (Michele Singletary over at the Washington Post) often answers questions like these; if thinking about money before your wedding makes you suddenly nauseated, you can sign up for her wonderful emails on personal finance, and they might help you get your act together. Read her columns about weddings and finances for newly-marrieds too, they're great. You can check her out here, and may your tummy finally find some peace.

Finally, ask yourself (and be honest): am I really going to be able to enjoy this extravagant day, knowing that nothing is actually paid for and interest is accruing even as I say “I do?” Or will I choke on that $1200 custom cake we just HAD to have? It might be better to put down the aspirational marketing magazine and plan something that won't break the bank, so you can think more about your loving spouse than say, a collection agency. Who would you rather have own you?

There are plenty of affordable ways to have a great wedding--we’ll go into some of those in future posts, and how to have Spendy big ones too!--but for now just remember: going into debt for Your Special Day will not only ruin your wedding, it’s likely to wreck a good long chunk of your life and credit rating and relationship. Mortgaging your future is no way to start a marriage.

And who wants to be average, anyway?



Elizabeth Oakes can be reached at weddingexaminer@gmail.com